Babies are born with two fears, the fear of falling and loud noise
For a lot of people, their childhood was not filled with love, joy and safety. Instead, it was filled with abuse and uncertainty.
Lost was joy and innocence, developed was fear and defensiveness. The world became a frightening place, something to guard yourself against. For some, the abuse becomes such a normal existence that they carry it forward into adulthood.
However, if you can break this cycle and understand your behaviours that have transpired because of your childhood experience it will make you stronger, more empathic and compassionate to others. It can make you a good healer or teacher to.
As a survivor, you will be less vulnerable to others abuse and more aware of your strength. I look at it like transmuting poison, it can either kill you or make you stronger.
However, don’t ever believe that it goes away, just like losing someone you love to death, we just learn to live with it.
The worst people in your lives are the ones who tell you or expect you to just get over it, remove those people because they will never understand, no matter how much you explain. That’s why other survivors are the best people to talk to, they help you understand yourself as well as understanding them.
Another aspect that you can gain from your childhood experiences is how this has helped develop you as an adult, both good and bad traits. It can help you see your hidden strengths as well as your weaknesses.
Living in denial does not help you because your behaviours exist whether you acknowledge them or not, and will just reak havoc on your life. Conscious awareness of such behavioural traits will give you strength and acceptance.
So the first acceptance of my behavioural traits was that I externalise my pain or discomforts, so I would smash things, fight, or just be rebellious.
I had a hard time feeling love, joy or excitement, I didn’t trust easily and perceived the world as a threat.
I also had developed an awareness for others pain, I became tolerant and understanding of people who were acting out of pain or fear. It has also given me an awareness and ability to pick up on abusers and abusive behaviour.
A behaviour I developed was overreacting and perceiving everything as a threat. To overcome my tendency to overreact in usually an aggressive or combative manner was having good friends, giving birth to my daughter, and working in youth and social work. Friends taught me loyalty, love, humour and the ability to be touched again. They did this by being nonjudgemental but not accepting of my bad behaviours. They supported me through good and bad times and showed me, love.
My daughter helped me in committing to unconditional love, responsibility and putting someone before myself. She also made me have to look at my behaviours in order to give her a more stable childhood that wasn’t abusive. There’s nothing like your child or children to reflect yourself back to yourself.
All of this learning came from making mistakes, taking ownership of these mistakes and changing them. Not from justifying bad or abusive behaviour.
As I’ve got older I have also learnt that my past has given me a survivors mentality and the ability to self exist without the need for co-dependency or reliance on another.
I was lucky, I was given a personality that enabled me to externalise my pain, not always good legally but it made me a fighter.
Over the years I have learnt to put that fighting spirit into more productive behaviour.
Learning about ‘self’ never ceases and nor should it. If your present ‘self’ is not your best ‘self’ or a ‘self you like you need to start asking how can I change this.
If you are unable to do this on your own look for help. Find someone or something that can help you progress and change. This can be self-help books, finding a spiritual belief, join a club, look for groups on the internet that share your story.
Learn to be a child again, give your child ‘self’ better care than it received in your childhood.
If you continue to abuse yourself and not live the best life that you can live then your abuser has won. You are still letting them make you feel guilty, worthless, unloved.
I’m here to tell you you are better than that and it is never too late to start to love yourself and your child self again. Give your child self the protection, joy and safety it deserves and live a blessed and fulfilled life.